uncomfortable...

i don't know who i am...

how can i ask someone something....what is good...what is right...

i don't know where i am heading... on what purpose i am living?

the longer i live... the less i know, the more confused i get and the more uncomfortable i am...

dang it! dang it! dang it!!!

where does my help come frome???

내가 산을 향하여 눈을 들리라 나의 도움이 어디서 올꼬
나의 도움이 천지를 지으신 여호와에게서로다
여호와께서 너로 실족지 않게 하시며 너를 지키시는 자가 졸지 아니하시리로다
이스라엘을 지키시는 자는 졸지도 아니하고 주무시지도 아니하시리로다
여호와는 너를 지키시는 자라 여호와께서 네 우편에서 네 그늘이 되시나니
낮의 해가 너를 상치 아니하며 밤의 달도 너를 해치 아니하리로다
여호와께서 너를 지켜 모든 환난을 면케 하시며 또 네 영혼을 지키시리로다
여호와께서 너의 출입을 지금부터 영원까지 지키시리로다
(시편 121:1-8)

"anyone born of God" is safe...

We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin;

the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him.

(1 John 5:18, NIV)

this is not about "sin," this is about "life," the life or death problem...

we know, we all who were born of God keep sinning...

but also we know we all who were born of God is safe and the evil one cannot harm or even touch us.

this is the beautiful secret of being a Christian... or putting our faith IN Him.

even though i am still a sinner, i am "FINE."

one thing more about this kind of things,

someone said that 'repent' can be defined by 'feel sorry enough to quit.'

he also added that we need a help out of us to quit.

we have our faith in Him and we need a help out of Him...

this might be another reason why He is "alpha and omega"... and "beginning and ending"...

thanks be to God.

why? why? why???

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him.

(Psalms 42:5, NIV)

i don't know why i am downcast... i don't know even who i am... or what kind of person i am...

but He knows... He knows even my deepest heart and even my hidden motives....

i put my hope not in me but in Him...

not knowing what it means.... but knowing He has a plan for me...

what i am thankful for

비오는 토요일 늦은 밤...

바람을 쐬야 겠다... 싶어 커피하우스를 왔는데...

할 일들 잔뜩 들고와서는 컴퓨터를 켜는데 마음은 안 열린다...

카페인이 부족해서 일게야... 암... 그럴게야...

i am thankful for that

1. i have lots of nice friends... whom i can talk to and sometimes somehow rely on...

2. i have things to do... whether they are meaningful or not, they are anyway supposed to be done...

and they are more importantly things i can make money from...

3. i am so weak that i should not be proud of myself...

4. my faith that He has a plan for my life is alive still... though it is really tiny small....

no matter whatever, i am still in Him... that's my hope...

yes.. it is by the grace of God that i am what i am

but i don't know how to "boast of the things that show my weakness."

since my weakness is so shameful that i cannot appreciate anything that shows it.

dang it!

"in search of memory"

all of sudden, i fall into the memory of autumn in korea... like a nostalgia...

the wind... the golden fields.... the fruits.... flowers.... the sound and the smell...

and most of all, the people... my family and my friends.... and the moments with them....

sometimes, out of nowhere, this kind of memory seizes me....

then i cannot help but stop whatever i am doing and get stuck into the memory...

for a while... missing being there....

이것 또한 지나가리라...

맘이 휑한 것이 불편하다...

이런 맘도 또 시간이 지나면 지나가리라... 알지만... 어쩔 수 없는 게 있다...

스스로 맘을 아프게 하는 질문이 하나 있다....

'왜 난 가정의 즐거움을 누리지 못하는가?'

가족들이 다정히 찍은 사진들을 보면 부러움과 함께

'나는 무슨 죄를 지었길래...' 싶다가도... '지은 죄야 많지...' 싶다...

문득 옛날 소시적 부르짖던 기도제목하나가 생각나면서 맘이 불편하다...

'평범하게 살지 않게 해주세요... '

가정을 이루고 사는 것이 쉽진 않겠지만 많이들 하고 있는 것이라면

그것도 '평범' 한 것인가...

소시적 철없을 때 기도를 그분은 지금 이렇게 마음아프게 들으시는 건가....

이런 마음 또한 지나가리라... 알지만... 다 지나갈 때까진 아프겠지...

다 지나고나더라도, 또 다른 어쩌면 더한 아픔들이 오겠지...

하나님의 은혜를 기다리며....